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A Muff-Diver's Guide to Sin City
Chapter 1: Negotiating the Scene
• (70%) Gay Men. Surprise, surprise.
• (15%) Garden Gnomes: mullets, missing teeth, bad hygiene… need I say more?
• (15%) Attractive Women… before you get excited, here's the break-down:
o 5% Friends - Because all of your friends are attractive, right? For now, let's assume you don't fuck your friends.
o 4% Players: A few types found here in Vegas…
• Fauxhawks - The brooding, tragically hip Andro/Emo girls who exist
merely to light your cigarettes and appear studiously aloof. If you do
hook up with one of these so-called "players", don't be surprised to
find yourself in the greasy clutches of Implied Monogamy (see
Chapter 2), or worse.
• Self-Proclaimed Sluts - Sadly, these women are vilified by the less
imaginative among our ranks for their ability to compartmentalize. If
you do find one of these gems, please refrain from comparing her to
Shane from The L Word.
• Real Sluts – As oblivious to their "slutness" as their Hetero
counterparts, but that won't stop them from sliding into your booth or
dropping hints about their favorite drink. Tip: it's most likely Smirnoff
Ice or something with Southern Comfort.
o 3% Exes - Considering the dearth of eligible women in the dating pool,
we've all double-dipped a time or two. Exes come in varying degrees:
• 1st Degree - "No fucking Way!" Even acquaintances know better than
to utter her name in your presence…your credit score still hasn't
recovered…she was lame in bed anyway.
• 2nd Degree - "Revenge Fuck" An ex-girlfriend's ex-girlfriend,
particularly one who broke her heart. Pure Evil. Use only in an
emergency.
• 3rd Degree - "The Friendly Reminder" Always good for a few hours of
fun, but like gambling, when the fun stops, get-the-FUCK-out! *Bonus
points if she's GGG.
• (2%) Bisexuals - Admittedly, they get a bad rap. Most lesbians don't want to bother with these. Why? Because every single attractive person is a potential threat—both men and women. Also, getting dumped for a guy is considered, by some, to be the ultimate affront.
• (1%) Tourists - While possible candidates for a
guilt-free "Hump 'n Dump", most of them are either too
trashed to function or are inextricably tied to their
whiny, straight friends who think eating at the Pink
Taco involves a trip to the Hard Rock.
Review: Finding drama-free women in such an incestuous little circle is a challenge, but you must rise above!
Lesson 1 A: When straight women complain that it’s hard to find decent men (even though they have 5 times more options), try not to roll your eyes. Be thankful you don’t have to deal with that.
Lesson 1 B: When your male friends remind you that “bad” sex is better than “no” sex, don’t take them up on the offer, it just encourages other guys to hit on lesbians!
CLICK HERE FOR
CHAPTER 2
Ciao,
- Girl4Girl
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