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A Muff-Diver's Guide to Sin City
Chapter 2: Handy Definitions
The U-Haul - Let's face it, Lesbos are notorious for jumping into relationships too fast, too soon. Having read Chapter 1, perhaps you can understand why they get overzealous when things finally work out.
Dating - Very few women are secure enough to date more than one person at a time, although they’d never admit that. Instead, they'll spout some condescending batshit about how they don't have time and energy for that sort of nonsense. Aside from veteran Players (see Chapter 1), anyone who claims otherwise is LY-ING. (see below)
Implied Monogamy - Although rarely mentioned aloud, it would sound something like this: "You're not my girlfriend, but if you date anyone else or sleep with anyone else, I'll resent you for it and tell everyone what an asshole you are." If you haven’t figured it out: lesbian “dating” is a myth.
The Badge of Honor - "I'm still friends with all of my exes." [read: "See what an amazing catch I am?"] This is part of typical first or second date banter, when both of you are really wondering what the other one looks like naked. Like this will actually increase your chances of getting some ass? Hello, most women are jealous! In truth, they'd be just as happy if you never talked to any of your ex-girlfriends.
Casual Sex (see also U-Haul) - The process of wining, dining, watching movies, cuddling, listening to her life's story, while trying to convince her that you aren't just trying to get into her pants, which if at all successful, usually turns into a quasi-relationship. The relationship, of course, falls apart after you finally get laid, and begin to see all of the things you were too horny to notice. If you think this definition is complicated, just imagine the process itself.
GGG - A term coined by Dan Savage, meaning "Good, Giving, and Game". It describes people who aren't exactly kinky themselves, but are willing to try something new to keep their lovers happy. Basically, someone who knows what puts that curl in your toe and indulges your kinky ass anyway. If you find someone GGG, I suggest you appreciate what you’ve got and make it worth her while.
Pillow Biter (butch) / Pillow Princess (femme) [a.k.a. Bottom] - Not necessarily a bad thing, just someone who prefers to be on the receiving end of things.
The Lesbian Breakup - If you've ever been through one, or witnessed one from afar, you know they often end as passionately as they began. It's like falling in love—the fireworks, the sappy outbursts, butterflies in your stomach—only backwards:
…Fireworks – Voice trembling, she says she’s going out if you want to
come by and collect your shit. You pull into the driveway just as she
ceremoniously tosses a match into the air. It lands on a funeral pyre,
consisting of tokens from your courtship: the dream-catcher you
bought together at Hemp Fest, dog-eared copies of the Fountainhead,
dildos/toys you haven’t used in months, your collection of rare Ani
DiFranco bootlegs, etc.
…Sappy Outbursts - A wide range of emotion from "I hate you!" to
"Don't leave me!" Examples: alternately shredding clothing/sleeping
with her old sweatshirt, late night drive-by's—being sure to check for
candles in the windowsill--drunk-dialing, finding dumb reasons to drop
by i.e. the photos that mysteriously survived the fire, etc.
…Butterflies – At the end, it feels more like a belly full of live moths.
Commonly known as "The Break-Up Diet”, the period following a bad
break-up is often marked by loss of appetite, and--as only Ani could
put it-- "shitting rivers". On the plus side, you shed some of the
pounds you gained while lazing in codependent bliss.
Lesson 2: Present this to any idiot who asserts that being gay is a choice. It's not glamorous; it's who we are - as beautiful, fucked up, and fabulous as everyone else.
And with that, will someone please "Take me back to the EMERALD CITY where the grass is green and the girls are pretty! Oh, won't you PLEASE take me home?"
CLICK HERE FOR CHAPTER 1
Ciao,
- Girl4Girl
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